Bucking the Trend & Expectation: My childfree life, your judgement

I was debating whether to write this blog today, but to be honest, I am embracing my inner-dragon, ripping the bandaid, being brave and am GOING FOR IT.

I started this blog & website while I was going through IVF and needing some support with my struggles but not being able to find it, however now, nearly a year later things have moved in a completely different direction.

I got sick of the desperation mindset, driving myself (and my husband) crazy with expectations and extreme dissappointment of it not working out. I was getting fat with artificial hormones, my self esteem was plummeting, my career was suffering due to my lack of focus and that doesn't even come close to the internal resentment and angst that I was projecting against my husband. This was the IVF Phase in a nutshell.

We decided to discontinue IVF due to the above and the fact that it was prohibitively expensive and decided to explore Adoption. I feel that Adoption is an amazing thing, but we were using it as a "back up option" and to be honest, it really shouldn't be that way. If I am also completely honest, I am not sure that I could deal with having to accommodate Birth Parents, which is aparently a "thing" these days. I know myself well enough to know that I actually would be terrible at that, as I have a very limited tollerance level for people who are "found wanting", so to speak. I would be quite opinionated about having children in the first place if you cannot take care of them; to then have to (and yes, you HAVE to) let these strangers into yours & your extended family's life (and as a consequence, any associated issues that they bring to the table) for the next 18+ years.....I am not sure that that is a path I want to take by choice.

You may find this reasoning & perspective offensive, and that is your right. I am just being completely and utterly honest about our feelings. I say all of this from the perspective of having adoption in the family, believing that Adoption is a wonderful opportunity to help children in need. I absolutely love that, and can absolutely see how the process is designed with the child's wellbeing at the epicentre, as it should be. I just do not think that it is for us.

We have thought long and hard about this decision, we have run the scenario's about later in life, who will take care of us, who will even care that we exist? Who will come and visit us or won't we be lonely. There is also the what happens when one of us "goes", who is there to look after the one who remains scenario, which is a pretty scary thought. It is also a pretty selfish thought, really. It is all about YOU. If you have a burning desire to raise life, then fine, but have you really, truly examined WHY you want a kid? AND be really honest about it.

The other thing that occurred to me during this process, was that I was feeling "left out" because I had attended 20+ baby showers, first birthdays, wet-the-baby-head events etc - and I hadn't had one. There was also the fact that my friends & colleagues who had gotten pregnant and had kids, had taken a year off work, and been paid for it while I work like a dog to make ends meet. When can I take a year off and be paid for it? How is that fair?

I wanted THAT....not necessarily the CROTCH-GOBLIN consequence, but that came as part of the territory to GET THAT, so therefore I wanted it.

Question is: What sort of reason is it, to have a kid and bring another life into this world is to placate your own selfish fears & needs?

So, we have made the decision to be childfree. It was not an easy decision, and it was not made lightly. There were tears, there was several terse conversations, but overall there was a sense of overwhelming relief. Truly. The moment we made the decision, all of my anxiety, fear, self loathing all melted away. I felt 2 foot taller and 5 stone lighter (figuratively).

Finally after 20 years of external and internal pressure to have a child, it all just fell away, and I started to REALLY feel like my true self again.

Reflections

The other thing that I have noticed during this process, is that there is so much noise around mothers saying "I never get any ME time" or "I just feel like I have ignored myself", which bemuses. YOU MADE THE CHOICE FOR THAT LIFESTYLE. Please don't complain, now that you have it, or try and pity play me into feeling sympathy for you. You could have chosen not to have children and had the ability to make your life about you, but you didn't, so I do not feel sorry for you now.

Don't get me wrong, raising children is hard and it is expensive. It takes consistency and effort for years and years, and requires you to make personal and financial sacrifices. YOU CHOSE TO DO THAT. I do understand that accidents happen, don't get me wrong, however for that accident to happen, you still had to make a choice. Cover up or not cover up. Take the tablet or not take the tablet. IT IS ALL A CHOICE.

We, however, are not chosing that lifestyle and it doesn't make us lesser people or less worthy or more selfish. AND IT CERTAINTLY DOESN'T MAKE ME LESS OF A WOMAN.

I know that by writing this blog, I am opening myself up to judgement by family, friends, acquaintences, general public, and online trolls. I know that I will have people read this that will form an opinion of me and of our decisions that may create distance. What I say to that is this; when you sit around nattering with your fellow pals, discussing how hard life is with a newborn or how little johnny took a solid poo for the first time in your bed rather than in the pottee; have you taken time to consider how your other friend without kids (either by choice or involuntary) feels about being shut out of that conversation? No you haven't, because it is just assumed that they would be totally focussed on YOU and YOUR NEEDS, because in your world it is all about YOU and your (pending) offspring/crotch goblin.

Those friends who show up for you time and time again (who don't have kids) are actually putting your feelings ahead of their own, they never complain about it and never tell you how they are feeling isolated and less-than, but keep showing up for you because they are true friends.

Think on this for me: What sort of a friend are YOU being to THEM?

I have had 25 years of it. Showing up for others, putting my own feelings aside for the sake of a friendship, that perhaps I valued more than they did. Being a good person & a good friend and sharing in others' joy, with nothing in return and hoping one day it will be my turn, but it never happening. My circle of friends has dramatically shrunk over the years, as I was left out of more and more things that revolved around children, and I used to get really upset by that. However in the fullness of time, and with remarkable hindsight I am actually glad for it, because it has made me realise that perhaps those friendships were more "situationships" than true friendships. I want people in my life who want to be around me because of who I am as a person, not because of my circumstances.

I can say, hand on heart, I have only had 1 friend (outside of my family circle) who has ever cared enough to ask me how I feel about it and be concerned enough about me and our friendship to make a real effort outside of the "baby bubble". She knows who she is, and if she reads this I hope that she truly knows how much she and our friendship means to me. You are a diamond and I love you. I am truly excited about the pending arrival in June (I really mean that) because I know that NOTHING WILL CHANGE when she arrives, and I really value that.

So, for now, I am taking my power back. I am taking control of this situation and creating my own narrative. I am going to celebrate my own milestones, my way:

No Baby Shower = Shacklfree Party (create a gift registry of all non-child friendly stuff to fill our house and/or liquor cabinet), take a leaf out of Carrie Bradshaw's book (SITC).

No Mat Leave = Digital Nomad Visa doing property renovations in Italy with the funds we saved by NOT buying cots/strollers/car seats/bottles/nappies/school trust fund

No First Birthday (or subsequent whole-of-class birthday parties) = Holiday at least 4 times a year at our destination of choice, WHENEVER WE WANT. Term time does not apply!

My Final Word

To anyone reading this who is child free (either by choice or infertility), I hope that you have reclaimed your "OK" as I have. It is really important to be at peace and you need to feel like this way of life isn't inferior or lacking or sub-standard, because it really isn't. Your life is your own to live, however you want to.

To anyone reading this who has children, I am not criticising your choices at all. However, please don't judge or criticise mine. I am not less of a woman or less of a friend or less of a wife, daughter or granddaughter for not having my own children. I am a person worthy of respect, love and have value in myself; without anything to do with reproductive choices.

If that scares you, it is OK. But that is where I stand.

With love, light and Big Ol' hugs

xxx

TCG