Being in your head.....finding peace

I am currently in Gran Canaria, writing this blog, enjoying the sunshine that I have desperately needed and I am finally not looking so pastey; I actually have a tan!!

It has been a lovely few days so far (for me), unwinding and letting a lot of the stress points go that have been adversely affecting me lately. Living in the UK is great, and don't get me wrong, I love my life and the Cotswolds but I have definitely been struggling with the lack of sunshine, vitamin D (and a Tan...if I can say that!).

As you start to unwind, relax, and get some badly needed headspace, what I have found is that with added headspace comes the ability to start (potentially) overthinking things, and I have to admit, I have been doing a bit of that this week.

This holiday should have been with my Mum, but unfortunately due to unforeseen circumstances, Mum and Dad had to cancel their trip to see me. Therefore hubby and I ended up coming on the trip instead; which is great and again was badly needed (for him as well), but we had decided that this was the trip when we were finally going to "break the drought" and try for babies. Well, once again, all the best laid plans and all that!! The struggle with intimacy is playing on my mind and starting to really get to me. I don't want to take it personally, but I am really starting to question it.

Anyway, regardless of that, we did have a talk about starting a family because I didn't want to get upset about it; and we have now formed the conclusion that we are not going to have kids. He admitted that, deep down, he is too selfish and I admitted that I am sick of living with false hope. It destroys you on the inside. So I have therefore now completely let go of the notion of ever having children, we are just going to live our lives, just the two of us with dogs.

Having come to this decision, I actually feel strangely fine, and I believe that the reason I feel like that is that I am no longer living with false hope. I am not living a lie, or living under any illusion of having a life that I am not going to have and in some ways it is strangely freeing. Did I know deep down that it would get to this (probably yes!), but you do live in hope until it is finally confronted.

Do I feel guilty about the decision? Yes, a little bit. I always wanted to give my parents the opportunity to be Grandparents. They would be great, and I know how much joy that we gave our Granny & Grandpa, and I wanted that for them. So I do feel guilty about that.

Do I feel like I am potentially missing out on something? Yes, but I am not as devastated about that as I would have been 5 years ago. I am actually ok with not having that experience in this lifetime. Was I worried about being judged (and we all know the silent judgement type) of friends and family who think that you are being selfish by not procreating. Yes, I was worried about that, but I can honestly say that I no longer care about what anyone thinks.

Also, I had a breast cancer scare a few weeks back, and having gone through additional rounds of tests and invasive scans, the all-clear was given. This also brought things into sharp focus on things.

So I am here on day 4/5 of the holiday, feeling like I have somewhat sorted my life out.

When I went to spiritual church last Thursday, my granny & grandpa came through. I got a scolding for my 2 speeding fines (yes, still no getting away with anything!) and for holding things in, trying to be funny but using it as a deflection mechanism. Granny said that I should write a book - she mentioned this blog, that I chop and change things (which is completely true), which has made me think about potentially publishing. We'll see!

I feel like I am on a good path now having spent the last few days doing a bit of soul searching, which has meant that I have been in my head quite a lot.

Being stuck in your head, is not always a good thing, but sometimes it helps you actually crystalise things, which it has done for me. I now feel (other than the intimacy side of things) that I am at peace internally. I feel a sense of being "settled" internally, which I can honestly say I have never really, fully experienced before. There is a calm inside me, which feels really really good.

I still have a few days left of holiday, which I am going to be making the most of, but I will reconnect again when I am back in the land of scones, cups of tea and castles.

Cheerio for now xx

TCG