The Schoolyard "Jungle"

As you now know, from my previous Blog, my husband and I have decided to start our family through Adoption in the UK. To get to this point, and as part of the Adoption process, we have had to do a lot of self reflection and digging into our past selves to really understand what and who have made us into the people we are today. This process of "holding a mirror" to ones self is quite confronting but it has also been quite empowering in a way, and I will explain why now.

To really get a picture of the journey, I will start in the present, 45 years old and life seems to be launching into the stratosphere. Completely unexpectedly. Having been bullied out of my last corporate role and started working within my husband's recruitment business, I was really concerned about where the money would come from. I started to reach out and dip my toe into the online world of Brand Ambassadorships/YouTube/Blogging/Vlogging. I did this partly as a way of healing and moving through my infertility issues, but also because I have always had a bit of a deep-down desire to write/create/act. Along with this desire however, was MASSIVE fear. I couldn't put my finger on where the fear was coming from or whether I could even name it. It just existed. I kept saying to myself "Surely it just doesn't come from nowhere" so why was I so hesitant to put myself out there? I have been reflecting, and I think I have discovered a few of the reasons why.

Side note:

This is a very uncomfortable and scary thing for me to write and talk about, because it means being really vulnerable to a world (and strangers) that seem to eat vulnerability alive these days. I am going to be opening up about some of my biggest inner demons, so please be kind. Here goes nothing, and if it helps someone (anyone) else who is either going through it now or has gone through it in the past, then that makes me really happy. I have done my job

As a kid, growing up in the 1980's in Australia, it was very much a culture of "get out in the backyard and play" sort of a thing. There were no computers, no Playstations, no phones or Ipads or any of the fandangled contraptions that we have these days. You had your imagination, your neighbours and a bucket & spade, and that was it. It was often heard "Go dig a hole" or "go build a sand castle" ringing out from mothers' kitchens up and down our street.

I was the first born, and was a bit of a solitary child. I was happy just amusing myself with a colouring in book, or building Lego or just doing things on my own. I had cousins and several neighbourhood children that I used to play with, but all in all, I was happy in my own company. So at age 3 when I started Kindergarten, it was quite a shock to be thrown into an environment where there were loads of other people around me, all wanting to play with the same toys, all competing for the swings or the slippery slide. As a bit of an introvert, I just played by myself in the corner most of the time. I remember a few things distinctly about that time; one was that it was confronting when other children used to come up and grab the toys that I was playing with and run away, without the "teachers" saying anything and the second was that I could never understand why I was always by myself. I was happy enough, and never thought anything of it, but looking back now it definitely was a thing.

I started school at age 5 and I was put into a class where my two other neighbours were. They were a year ahead of me, but that didn't matter much. I played with them and that was that. But as I graduated into Year 1 and then 2, the other girls had gone onto other classes and I was there by myself trying to play with other children but never really feeling "accepted". It was only when I went into Year 3 at the age of 8 when I really noticed that other children were being "funny" towards me. I didn't know why, but I knew that I just had to try harder for them to "like" me. So I did everything I could. I shared my lunch (to a point where I often didn't eat and would faint in the heat), I shared my new set of pencils, I invited them over after school to play but whatever I did never seemed to be enough for the girls to want to hang around with me.

From a young age (around 7 or 8) I started playing netball and basketball and had outside interests (church etc) besides school, so I had friends through these avenues which kept me entertained, so I didn't worry so much about school. I knew that people liked me outside of that environment, so surely it wasn't anything "wrong" with me. It was during that school year, when I was sending out invitations to my birthday party, when it became obvious that for some reason, I didn't really have friends. I gave the invites out during class, and all but one person said no, on the spot. I was devastated. After that, every lunchtime, the girls in my class would walk off without me and stare me down if I followed. They would start saying things like "where did you get those pants, the charity shop?" and "why are you like a boy"during PhysEd when I could run faster and had better coordination than the rest.

It got so bad, that there was a time when I never wanted to have lunch as school, so my mum would come around into the school car park, bring me lunch and I would sit in the car and eat it with her. Just to escape the terrorizing taunts (and so she made sure I was eating).

My schoolwork started to suffer as well. I wasn't all that smart, but I could never do the "mental tests" (my brain doesn't work that way) and so I would visibly fail the in-class tests that the teacher set. This just added fuel to the fire of the "mean girls".

In year 5 I had a teacher called Mrs Brady, and she was an absolute nightmare. Looking back now, she herself, was a bully. An absolute tyrant of a teacher and she would humiliate students who did badly in tests in front of the whole class. She didn't want to hear about a kid who is being terrorized in the playground. She was of the "toughen up" mentality.

At school, I was shrinking, trying to fit in, almost begging to be accepted and then having it rubbed in my face by girls who just went along in the "pack". Outside of school, I was doing really well, so my parents were really disturbed when Mrs Brady called them into school one day and said that I wasn't fitting in and that "there must be something wrong with Lisa, if she is being harassed" and she could recommend a psychiatrist for me to see. I mean, talk about victim blaming! I was 10 years old!!! My parents gave her one of those looks that could strip wallpaper, and we promptly left her office with a few choice words on the way out. I love my parents for that.

It was also around this time that I joined the school choir because I really loved to sing and

"I needed something to make me feel like I was a worthwhile human".

I was actually a reasonable singer and decided to audition for a solo. BAD IDEA. I didn't get it, but having to audition in front of the whole choir, just gave the girls another reason to absolutely rinse me. After thinking I was quite good, my confidence got absolutely hammered.

It seemed that the only thing that I was actually any good at was sport. So there I focussed. I beat everyone, I was the fastest in the school (even competing against the boys), so there was no possible fuel to launch at me.

In year 7, and after now 5 years of being ostracised, I was firmly the school geek. I was still trying to be part of the girls "group" to a point where they took a "vote" as to whether I should be allowed (yes ALLOWED) to hang around with them at lunchtime. Obviously the vote went to the negative, and following the end of school bell that day, I was hunted around the yard by about 20 of the girls yelling and laughing at me for even daring to want to be in the "club".

Fast forward to high school, and I arrive at an expensive private girls school, that my parents worked their hands raw for to send me. I made friends with a group of girls who were accepting of me, but I was the "sporty one" and the one who had a lot of male friends and got invited to all the parties. I had a purpose. That didn't stop others going at me, whether it was because I was trying out for the 1st 8 rowing crew (which these particular girls thought I wasn't suitable for and I should just give up now, and continued to tell me as much for the whole season) or whether it was because I knew the good looking soccer coach, Alex, (whom I worked with at Pizza Hut) who they had "designs" on. I was only really good for being friends with because I knew people and I won sports flags.

From the age of 8, all the way through my formative years and into my tweens/teens, when you are forming self identity, I had to deal with never being "enough" or just accepted for who I was. I was always trying to be the "best" or the "funniest" or get the party invitations so that I was "indispensable". So I had value. I used to cry myself to sleep every night, wondering what it was about me that wasn't good enough for anyone.

My parents, bless them, were so wonderful. They would always comfort me and tell me that it wasn't me, it was them. But that is easy to say to an 8 year old....I never believed it.

This in my opinion is why I have always felt an inherent fear of failure. Why I have always been very insecure when meeting people (fear of not being liked), and fear of putting myself out there for people to judge (and hence ridicule). I have had it all my life, why would it change?

In my last blog, I wrote about my insecurities regarding work, and I think that that stems from all of these issues.

I really started to turn things around after I won that Internship because suddenly, I was accepted. I got myself a boyfriend at that point and was immediately part of his "circle".

"I started really growing as a person, because I was accepted for who I was, and not what I could give to others".

This was in the early 2000's and I am still on this journey today. It is 25 years later, and I actually auditioned and got a solo for my local choir (and performed it at a local pub). I have created a blog whereby I am talking about real-life issues without fear of judgement. I have gone and done a test photo-shoot for a modeling portfolio and have been signed by 2 modeling agencies. Even a year ago, there is NO WAY that I would have been able to conquer these deep-seeded fears and done these things.

What changed?

1) I made the conscious decision that those girls/ghosts of my past would not dictate my future. They have lived rent free in my mind for long enough. I decided I was living my life for ME and not for THEM.

2) I realised that there was NOTHING WRONG WITH ME. I decided that just being me was GOOD ENOUGH and come what may. Its the old adage "It's not me, its YOU" applied to all of those little mean girls, teenage bullies, workplace biatches & suit jockeys.

3) I stopped caring whether people liked me or not. If I liked me and I had family that loved me and a diverse range of interest, then who cares what anyone else thinks.

4) I found myself an advocate. MY HUSBAND. He is 7 years younger than me and is a posh private school British boy. Despite thinking that there is NO WAY he would love the likes of me, he accepted me and loved me for who I was, despite and because of what I had been through. That sort of unconditional love, someone who loves every single part of you, even the broken bits, was actually all I needed to move past the turmoil and into my self.

5) Being honest with myself and allowing myself to "forgive" that inner 8 year old for trying too hard for the approval of others.

So here we are, at the end of what seems like an epic story.

1. Was my school life unhappy? A lot of it was, yes. It was tough to be dealing with all of this stuff whilst trying to find my self identity. There were times when I was inconsolable.

2. Did I rise out of the ashes? YES!

3. Were my parents there to support me? YES.

4. Has it made me a strong, fearless, capable and determined person? ABSO-FRIGGEN-LUTELY!

If you have been through anything like this, or you are going through it, there is absolutely light at the end of it. It is really hard when you are "in it" to remain positive, to think that it will end as people grow up. IT IS REALLY HARD, but you can do it. Don't let it hold you back, because then you haven't learned anything from it.

Be better than what they reduce you to.

With love, respect and big ol' hugs

TCG xxxx