Let's talk about the "S" word

I know that there are many S words that we could be talking about in this blog, especially since I have opened up about my Fertility journey. However, it is not about THAT S word, but another very serious S word.

The first thing that I am going to put out there, is that I have suffered from bouts of depression and have, in the past, been on medication to help said infliction. It is by no means something that I take lightly, and it is certainly something very real and very serious.

I have been reflecting this week, after the news of a friend of mine's self-passing, about the people who I have known in my life who have "self-passed" and how I, myself, have walked in the shadows, feeling like there was no way out.

The first encounter that I had with "self-passing" was when I was 18, the year after I finished high school. I went to an all-girls private school but had close ties to one of the local all-boys schools, and had a large amount of friends where we would all mingle and socialise at various house parties on weekends. At that age, having just finished school and started university (you didn't really move away to Uni), we would be going out several times a week and see people out and about all the time. So you can imagine, this particular week, when I got a phone call saying that this particular friend from one of these boys-schools had self-passed, it was a HUGE shock and unbelievably sad. We never, in a thousand years, would have ever suspected anything and neither did his group of friends. We had all gone out the week before, and they had all come around to mine for a party the previous fortnight. We were just totally and utterly shocked.

That was the first one.

The second one, I found out about through my Granny, who used to diligently attend church services on Sunday every week at the church that I grew up in. I used to be heavily involved as a kid (it is just what you did), so I used to go to Youth Group every Friday night, play in the church basketball league every Saturday, and then go to service on Sunday. The same group of friends would hang around together, growing up together, as childhood turned into out Tween/Teenage years.

As I got a bit older and my social life took off, I had spent less and less time with the church crowd, as is natural when things just grow apart. However it was one week when we went to see Granny and Grandpa that she told me that one of the boys that I had grown up with, played basketball with (he was a very talented basketballer) and went to youth group with had "self-passed". Again, I couldn't really believe it. Whilst I hadn't seen the guy for a few years, he just never seemed like the person who would do it. He was a tall, handsome boy with "golden looks" , a very talented basketballer with the world at his feet. It came to light that he was dating someone from a different culture to ours and that the parents were not accepting of the relationship. That was the trigger....and that was that.

The third one was within the same group of church friends, but happened probably a decade later than the second. He was actually was a close friend of the previous one, and again we all played in the same basketball team. This one was also a very talented basketballer, both number 2 and 3 were the two boys on the team, and were by far and away the best players! He was the son of the minister at the time and had a very loving home. Again, it was my Granny who told me what had happened.

The fourth happened in the last week and really sent me into a tailspin.

This one was a very close friend of my ex-partner, and over the course of the 10 years that we were together, we would have spent every weekend and sometimes during the week as a group of friends, all together, involved in the elite sporting circles. During our 20's and early 30s it was sport on Saturday and usually Sunday with Saturday nights back at the sports club and then the pub. Mid week it was likely to be training with beers afterwards, and then there were all of the 21st & 30th birthdays, house parties/New Years Eve's, presentation nights & socials, winery tours, 5 days straight at the Test Match, engagement parties, weddings, the list goes on. During the winter season it was footy time and there was usually a barbeque at someone's house or a grand final party or just having an afternoon at the pub. As you can probably tell, it was all consuming, and he was a HUGE part of that. He was one of the best sportsman at the club and played at State level. Loved by everyone and always at the centre of things. You get to know their whole family - mum, dad, brother etc. It's all packaged in.

After my relationship broke down, I didn't see a huge amount of him thereafter, for obvious reasons. I moved interstate and that was just the way it was. However, all of the best and happiest moments of a DECADE had him in it. So you can just imagine the shock and (to be honest) horror to hear the news. I am still trying to wrap my head around it.

Reflecting on all of this, and it is so easy to say, and not that there would have been anything I could have done in any of these 4 circumstances, but you think to yourself: Maybe if I had reached out. If there was a sign that I could have seen or if I had been a better friend. All of these things circulate during times like this. Unfortunately that is not a helpful way of thinking, or perhaps I should put that in a better phrase. It does your own grief no good to think like that. Thinking in that way keeps you stuck and lays unnecessary guilt at your door.

Unfortunately, Male mental health is something that goes under the radar and, in my opinion, not spoken about enough. I have even heard it from my own husband "I'm feeling really low, but I'm a man, I'll suck it up" and "I'm not going to counselling and talking about feelings". When in reality, that is exactly what is needed.

Having experienced this in real time, the lessons that I have learned are:

1) There is nothing that YOU could have done, except be there if someone reaches

2) ASK THE QUESTION, Are you OK/Do you want to talk/How's things?

3) Check in on your friends and loved ones, it might not be much, but then again it might be EVERYTHING

4) Put your pride and ego to one side and TALK IT OUT. I promise it does make you feel much better and no issue is too small if it is causing you stress/anxiety/depression.

I am not a doctor or a psychologist or anyone that has any other training than life experience, but what my own bouts of mental health issues and the circumstances (such as these) that I have had to deal with in my life have taught me, is that YOU ARE NEVER ALONE. We are all in this together.

With big ol' hugs and a perpetual smile and love

TCG xxx