Thank you for the setback

This is going to be a really hard blog to write today, so please bear with me.

Over the last 12 months, I have been making significant progress, working on myself and moving past the issues and trauma experiences of my past. I have been putting things in place in my life that only breeds positivity; and that then fuels further positive momentum in all areas. I have been feeling better (internally, externally and mentally) than I have for years and I genuinely felt as though a new dawn was on the horizon for me.

However, as has always been the patina in my life, there are ALWAYS setbacks mixed in with the good. There is never just plain sailing, there are always complications.

This year, I have really struggled coming to terms with our infertility and putting the adoption on hold. This has probably been the most challenging thing, mentally (and physically), that I have had to deal with this year to date. I am still not really OK with where it sits, but I am not sure that I am ever going to be, but I have learned that life does not stop just because I hit a road bump. On the flip side, my sister is going to have a baby next year and we will be becoming uncle and aunty! This gives me such joy because if I cannot have my own, I will have something very very close to it and will give this child all the energy and love that I can possibly give (albeit from afar).

I have also really struggled changing jobs due to bullying, and moving into Jack's business unexpectedly. Money has been very tight, going from 2 incomes down to one and reliant solely on commission. We have been fighting a lot and there has been a lot of commentary about "I pay for everything" and "you aren't billing" sort of rhetoric. That in itself has been destroying me internally, because I am a very career proud and successful person, and to have this levelled at me, does make me die a little bit inside.

They say in recruitment that there is a 3-6 month lead time for a new billing market, and that is absolutely true, but when it is your sole source of income, it adds another layer of stress and expectation to an already bubbling situation.

Regarding my ongoing weight loss journey, great progress was made but I am plateauing at critical moments. While I have been somewhat successful in dropping 20kgs so far this year, I seem to be starting to suffer from gluteal tendinopathy which makes going to Dancefit & Clubbercise classes quite problematic- another gift from the world of aging and perimenopause (which I am in complete denial about by the way). I am not sure how I am going to overcome this one to be frank and not being able to sleep on my side is causing all sorts of problems! Any tips are very welcome!!

The other part of my personal recovery & empowerment journey has been to take singing lessons and do a couple of solo's. This stems from a childhood bullying trauma of mine, which I have written about before.

In summary, I was 11 years old and loved to sing, so tried out for a solo in the school choir. I had to stand up in front of all my peers (who were bullying me) and sing. Needless to say it went terribly and just added more fuel to their tirades. My personal growth past that trauma was to confront it and conquer it.

It was all going REALLY well this year, up until last night, when I sang a solo at the annual Christmas concert held in the Parish Church. About 150+ people where there, all seated in the church for this beautiful concert, which was going really well up until we stepped forward to do "Jingle Bell Rock". I was one of 5 soloists, but had been suffering from a stinking cold for the past week, so was a little nervous. The rehearsal went well and I thought that I was ready to go. So when I stepped up to the microphone ready to perform, I was confident. Until my first note hit.

My voice cracked and I struggled from there. My husband and father in law in the audience, just to make it worse. Suddenly I was thrust back into that 11 year old moment, and it was HORRIBLE. Years of work, self love, self esteem rebuilding GONE in the space of 10 words.

Once it had finished, I went backstage and bawled my eyes out, alone. I was so embarrassed, so humiliated, I can't believe it. I couldn't face anyone, so the rest of the concert was a complete wipe-out. I can't even really remember how it ended. I had to wipe my face/nose, regain composure and get on with it. I can't believe I actually did it.

Anyway, writing this today (literally less than 12 hours later), I am feeling heartbroken and really deflated. I am not sure how to pick myself up again after such a public humiliation. The thing that was going to be shoot me past all of the crap of my childhood, has been the thing that has shot me straight back there.

As much as I love singing, I am not sure that I can continue doing my lessons (I don't think I can sing by myself again), let alone with the choir or solo's.

However, my uncle in law said something quite profound last night, once he found out what had happened. He said to me "Well, the universe gave you this setback, so say thank you for it" because every setback teaches you something. Never a truer word was spoken.

So looking at my 2025 setbacks, I am saying thank you for them:

1) Thank you for my fertility setback because it allows me to really focus on the things that I do have rather than the focus being on things that I do not have. Glass half full rather than half empty.

2) Thank you for my career/work set back because it gives me the ability to be the master of my own destiny and provides flexibility.

3) Thank you for my weight loss struggles because it has taught me to keep playing the "long game" and that instant results are not necessarily long lasting.

4) Thank you for tanking my public solo, because it has given me the reality check that I probably needed to continue to work on myself and to realise that one event is not the silver bullet to obliterate the past hurts. I have further work to do.

Therefore I am consciously coming at these things from a place of positivity and empowerment rather than from negativity. I promise myself that I will view setbacks as growth opportunities and not be stuck in the mind-circle of inner negative dialogue and blame. This is a hard thing to do in practice, but I am challenging myself to do this on a daily basis, so that it becomes habit forming.

Thanks for joining me again on this blog, I appreciate every single person who reads these and joins me on my journey.

With Love, respect and big ol' hugs

TCG xxx